As the weather starts to improve and the Zyrtec starts flying off pharmacy shelves, the great outdoors once again begins its siren song, luring hibernating humans out of their humble abodes. This is all well and good—and the mosquitoes are certainly rejoicing—but where does that leave you, oh humble board gamer? The sun will scorch your delicate, sensitive eyes, its rays piercing your skin and browning its outer layer like a flame dancing across a marshmallow. Those new comfy sweatpants of yours are about to be splattered with grass stains so bad you’d think a frog exploded. But the worst part, truly, is that once the beach starts calling, you’ll no longer have friends ready to jump into a game. Here are a few tactics you can adopt to hold your board gaming crew back from the great outdoors:
Overschedule and underdeliver
Summer means more than warm weather—it means travel gets booked, plans get made and, in your case, board games get played. Ensure your friends have no opportunity to fill their calendars by requesting a few specific dates right away for board game nights. And we do mean the most generous use of the word “few.” Four weekends in a month, two days per weekend…10 gaming sessions for the summer should suffice in maintaining control over the schedule of your friends. Don’t be afraid to cancel at the last minute, either; the simple act of getting onto a daily planner means you have achieved total mind control.
Build out your back patio
One of the most pronounced trends of the pandemic has been the increase in DIY projects—and sure, you’ve been lazy until now, but no time like the present to kick off an ambitious home improvement endeavor. Build the walls first, to eliminate wind gusts, then focus on a table on top of which to place the board game itself. Next, put up a roof, followed by a door of some kind. Can you tell we are experts at construction verbiage?
Pay your friends
Look, we hate that it has come to this, too, but nothing says, “Stay here in the air conditioned cold” like a steaming wad of cold, hard cash. Have you been paying attention to the inflation rates these days? We all could use a bit of relief. A crisp 5 dollar bill should suffice, but for best results shoot for 150k. Don’t worry, it’s absolutely not tax deductible!
Sabotage Outdoor Concerts
Music festivals are also one of the nation’s most ripe events for shenanigans. Keep your friends at bay by establishing yourself as a popular underground DJ, securing a booking at this said festival and playing nothing but your new tracks—drum-and-bass remixes of you saying, “It’s gaming time, gaming time, gaming time for all of time…” and so on. Don’t be afraid to leave your post and start setting up for the ensuing gaming rush, since you aren’t actually playing any instruments. Pass the mic to Siri!
LAST RESORT ONLY. Where’s the fun in this?