Spring is springing, and with that comes a wave of weddings, many of which were delayed due to the pandemic or, quite simply, the crummy winter weather hitting all over the country. And while weddings are typically full weekend affairs, there’s no reason they should cut into your hard-earned board gaming time. Here are some tips to playing a few rounds adjacent to the altar:
Suit yourself in the most suitable board gaming fashion
Practicality and functionality are the names of the (sub)game here. As high fashion trends towards wearability and comfort, there exists a mammoth opportunity to design your own line of formal wear—or at least a single instance of it. It’s worth requesting a few key, hidden features to enhance your ability to board game on-the-go at the upcoming nuptials: breakaway snaps on the pants, breakaway snaps on the jacket, the Hasbro logo on your undershirt and an embedded fanny pack for spare dice. Be sure to request a few plastic rods and a rudimentary hinge system so that when you lean back, you’ll avoid collapse and sink into the makeshift chair you have concocted for yourself. Form AND function? What a combo! Be prepared to receive many jealous looks, or simply looks. We’ll accept leers, too.
Object to the marriage
Folks love a rabble rouser—just ask Anna Delvey. Prove you’ve got the goods to shock and disgust a whole room of people by loudly objecting to the impending marriage when the officiant asks if anyone would like to speak now or forever hold their peace. (If this person doesn’t ask, it’s the dealer’s choice as to when you want to object.) Cuz here’s the thing: Did they say, “…forever hold your piece?” Ain’t nobody got time to stand around like an idiot holding the board game pieces of two players who would rather stand in front of their friends than sit in front of you, a friend, and play a board game. So, yeah, you definitely object! Now, this couple has likely been together for awhile—if not, note that Elvis is officiating—so they will hold strong and refuse to leave the stage. But, you know what they say: With each rejection comes a new opportunity, specifically one to game with your new pals in prison for the evening as you sober up.
Dance like everyone’s watching
They say love is the international language but we’d put math up there at second and, not surprisingly, dance at third. Showcase your love of board games and deep, yearning desire to play one through the power of your body’s uncomfortable movements. Be the dice! Embody the Meeples! Plus, the wider your flails, the more likely that other wedding guests will politely ask you to sit down—in fact, they will likely join you to ensure you don’t hop to your feet and attempt to make your way back out. Now is the perfect time to shuffle the deck of Chance cards and kick off your favorite game. Just be sure you know the solo rules because while you are technically successful at wedding gaming, you may have lost the war on love. And, after all, isn’t that what weddings are truly about?